Rest in Peace and Happiness

 I can't believe my friend Luis is now gone for a month. I really didn't realize how close we were until he is gone. I used to work for him at GM. He managed billions of pension assets and he was just a chill guy, always cool, calm and compose.

We kept in touch since GM and we got closer as time went. He was a life mentor to me. He helped me with my divorce, helped me with my job discrimination situation, helped me with day trading, etc. It was very comforting to have someone who was so wise in my inner circle.

February, I texted him and he didn't text me back. Then I got worried and called and his voice mail was full. I knew something was up and was frantically look for all the ways to get a hold of him. Next I heard was from his daughter who notified me that he passed away from Covid. I was angry and sad. He couldn't be gone so soon. I wasn't ready for him to leave.

I had been telling him to give me a sign so I know he is well and safe on the other side. I told him he can play with my light switch. Two nights ago, my salt lamp was turned off and that was the sign. My salt lamp is always on 24/7 except two nights ago. I am happy to know that he is fine on the other side.

In one of our conversations, he told me why his average day is better than others in general. He said coz he wakes up and when he is brushing his teeth, he asks himself, 'who will fuck with me today?' And if his day goes well, he has a better than average day. If his day goes terribly, its expected. I laughed so hard!

So now every time I think of him, I will always ask myself "who will fuck with me today?"

Luis, thanks for being such a great friend and thanks for all the laughs. It s a huge bummer that we never get to go to your beach house at the Carolinas. I hope you find yourself a nice woman and get to enjoy some peace and happiness.  

PTSD

 It has been 7 months since I lost my job. I have yet to muster up enough desire to really go look for another job. The last job was so traumatizing, the idea of voluntarily subject myself to the system and subject myself to the abuse is paralyzing. Their financial compensation for my emotional distress is really not enough in hind sight. 

Bird Nest

Every time I let my child video chat with my mom, grandma always complains about how her granddaughter's hair is like a bird nest and I don't comb her hair. Grandma always says how she would comb A's hair if she were to be around.

A was born with curly hair. Nice big loose curls. Just absolutely magnificent. I try to do as much as I could to enhance those curls so they are as good and as puffy as they should be. And yes, it looks like a bird nest and it is absolutely okay.

I remember growing up, it was not okay to be left handed. I was forced to learn to write, use chopsticks with my right hand. So wrong. Now that I am an adult, I use my left hand for everything I should be using my left hand for; using chopsticks, cutting with scissors, etc. It feels good that no one is around to tell me using my left hand is wrong.

Similar situation here. A doesn't need to have straight hair because people think she should have straight hair or her hair is supposed to look certain way. I want her to be very proud of her natural hair. Her dad is so ashame of his own curly hair, he shaves his head. Because of that, he never learns to take care of curly hair and he would comb her hair straight.

I am putting a stop on this shame thing. Nobody tells my daughter that her hair looks like a bird nest and make it sound like something is wrong with here. Enough is enough. She has magnificent curls and she will be raised to be very proud of her curls.

Part ways

Time will pass, wound will heal and I will forget you. Thank you for giving me the opportunity to look inside myself to see what I am made of. I am no long a victim of abuse, a consequence of abandonment, a spouse of an addict. For the first time in a long time, I find peace, feel whole and complete. It is real nice to look into people’s eyes and tell them I am doing fine because I really am. You will be petty but I will be ready. I know I will come out of this unscathed because that’s the only way it can be. The universe is on my side and I am forever grateful for it. We will part ways and you will HEAR ME ROAR.

News

"I am leaving him."

"This is long time coming...."

Sometimes...

Sometimes being married means feeling extremely lonely and having no one to talk to. Anyone? Anyone hears me? May be I am just not busy enough. If I try to get more busy, may be I won't have time to feel that way...

Raynaud's Phenomenon

I haven't written anything for a long while. It feels so great to be in front of the computer and writing out my thought. It almost felt like I was constipated for a long time and finally get to...release. Life has been so busy, I barely have time to breath.

Several weeks ago, my toes started having sever pain. It came in episodes and each episode lasted for hours. During those episodes, it felt like electricity was running through my toes, it was pain, itchiness, tingling and numbness. To say the least, I was freaking out. Soon enough, it hurts to walk!

All kinds of what ifs just flew through my head. Determined to have it fixed as soon as possible. I went straight to Dr. Lixin because he can fix anything, well almost anything. I went to him a couple of times and things haven't improved.

Per my husband's advice, I went to see a podiatrist. She took a bunch of x-rays and told me to take some pain pills and keep my toes warm. She told me it is something called Raynaud's Phenomenon. Oh great, it is secondary to Lupus. Of course, everything is secondary to Lupus.

I thought to myself, what a bunch of worthless advice. But desperately wanting to feel better, I went and got two pairs of fuzzy slippers to keep my toes warm just in case it helps.

The next day, I brought one pair to work and wore them the whole time I was at work.

Miracle happened, I didn't have a single episode that day. Then I did the same thing the next day. Again, no episode. I am so thrill!!